6/16/10

Worked on the query for An Empty Place yesterday. I can write poetry. Short stories. Novels. Song lyrics and songs. I can't write a satisfying query for the life of me. Here's what I'm working on now:

Dear Agent,

Holm is a terrorist. A magic adept engaged in a secret war against a faceless, tyrannical government exploiting the world's last remaining energy source. Every war requires sacrifice, and to protect the other adepts, he can never see the family he loves. Never touch his wife's face. Never see his son smile. He must remain invisible.

When the regime unleashes a supernatural plague on the world, and his son is among the first victims, he decides his loyalty is not as important as his boy's life. With the promise of a cure, he turns traitor and brings his son to the enemy. The cure is a lie. His son is abducted, and Holm is murdered. Before he dies he whispers a final spell, allowing his spirit to find a new body. A golem whose purpose is to undo the damage caused by Holm's betrayal.

His memory gone and his body imperfect, this "new" Holm needs help. Tad is a rebel whose people are threatened with annihilation by the plague. Darling is an adept who suspects Holm is a traitor. Together they can help him retrieve his memories and stop the plague, but he will have to sacrifice himself again, and the son who he still loves.

AN EMPTY PLACE is a dystopian thriller, complete at 72,500-words. I believe it will appeal to readers of Ursula K. LeGuin, Philip K. Dick, and Cormac McCarthy.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

and here's what I had before, which I've had rejected six times without requests for partials (granted some of them had a partial as part of the query pack):



Dear [Agent],

Holm Aegis is running. He can't rest or the hunters will find him.

They are not human. They have faces culled from a nightmare. He's hurt: a roiling sore gnaws his insides and worsens with every step. He can't see straight in these desolate woods. He can't remember how he got there, or where he was going. His mind clutters with strange symbols when he tries to recall his past. He sees a great red cat made of starlight and dust. A spirit guide. A hallucination.

Before he is lost to madness Holm is rescued by a hard-hearted woman named Tad. She is his compass. She takes his hand in the darkness and leads him to light. But she can't help him remember. Their ultimate salvation lies in the symbols that cloud Holm's mind. They are the keys to unlocking a hidden world of magick, if he is willing to relive his violent past.

But it might be too late. The wound in Holm's side is getting worse. Growing. It moves inside of him.

Alive.

AN EMPTY PLACE is a [dystopian fantasy], complete at 72,500-words. I believe it will appeal to readers of Ursula K. LeGuin, Philip K. Dick, and Cormac McCarthy.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

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